August 23, 2007
~ Randomly...
It's just hilarious when I try flirting with you. I know. If it didn't send a shiver down your spine, I hope it sent a chuckle right through all the distance between us.
Some music stay and never will go away.
Like 'Sway'. That's you.
Like 'Time after time'. That's me.
Fat Frog music. That's you and me.
xxx
I am done and through and given up on the reality of you, of you as a person. But I've never stopped in dreaming of you, never given up the memory of you.
Sometimes, I channel it into words. Other times, I find displacement in someone who's like you. Although, really, words are better consolation.
You just do not know it. Yet.
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 01:16
August 21, 2007
Happy Birthday...
... to Mummy!
My most loved and respected person in this whole damn world!
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 22:48
August 16, 2007
Happy Birthday...
Jonathan Chua!
My distant nephew... Sosososo cute!!!
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 23:25
~ Randomly...
Man and woman, both alike, are not worthy of faith. No wonder we need God.
Alternatively, we can worship ourselves. That's why I need a full length mirror in my room.
xxx
I didn't stop to think what others would think at the time when I have a girlfriend. Now that that girlfriend has become a x-girlfriend, there is even lesser need to bother about what others would think.
That's why.
Then, I didn't care for me to be of any prototype. Even less now. I'm not a lesbian, I'm not a gay, I'm not heterosexual, I'm not straight. I'm just ambivalent-whatever-me.
xxx
"Take some cough syrup. Then, just go to sleep."
I realised the above is about the best advice one can ever give or receive in times of great emotional distress.
Crying is a kind of reaction. And there's nothing wrong with it. But after awhile, a reaction is not good enough. A response is needed.
It means you have to take some step to help yourself. Even if momentarily.
Sleep is good. Life is less difficult when passed in sleep.
Alternatively, you can eat. Binge. But, sleep is way much cheaper. And lasts longer. Keep some cough syrup or chlorpheniramine handy.
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 23:10
August 13, 2007
~ Randomly...
I watched the local production 881 with my mum and Jasmine earlier in the evening. I didn't want to watch it initially. But it sort of gave a best motivation for me to just walk away from work and leave to tomorrow what I could leave till tomorrow.
Actually, the difficult part about leaving work everyday is not about wanting to stay back and finish work. It's more about leaving the colleagues, I slowly came to realise. We are getting on too damn fine that it's hard to be the first to leave the office alone. In twos or threes, it's easier. Unfortunately, it's not often that a few of us can leave around the same time.
Anyway, the movie.
I quite enjoyed it. It was a bit draggy, certain characters were rather redundant and of course, not missing the lame jokes. But, these aside, it's entertaining and I thought it's good in the way that it uses
getai as a cultural relic. It tells of one of the ways people at this grass root level do to dispel some of their disappointments in life, and about their resignation in and to life. The hokkien songs in the movie are, actually, rather moving. I don't know... I did strongly feel like tearing on a few occasions.
The other thing is, watching the papaya sisters (ya, so lame, the name) being so close and so supportive to each other, somehow, reminds me of Kay and myself. How we used to be. The thought 'they must be lesbians' just kept flashing through my mind. haha...
And I miss having someone like this close to me. Someone close to me, close to me. To hug and whose shoulders to rest on.
Sometimes, on occasions like this, I actually, miss that fucking vain bitch very much. Her blog is GONE! Shame on her, really. Worse? She's been missing too!
FVB Kyn, if you even get to read this, make some noise somewhere. So we know you are still with us in this crap.
xxx
One of my referrals at work is having me on an available-girlfriend promotion. I am, supposedly, 'a girl that you will regret for the rest of your life if you let her go'.
Well, don't worry. If that's true, then you won't be alone in that regret.
xxx
I don't want romance. I don't want a relationship. I just want to be someone you can come crying to, cry with and someone you can hold when tears are in your eyes.
The last time I hugged her, I cried quietly. The last time I hugged someone, I felt like crying. Since then, I like and dislike hugging anyone.
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 23:26
August 05, 2007
~ Randomly...
It's funny how we try to run away and suppress certain thoughts in our conscious state. And then, when those thoughts get displaced and appear in our dream scene, we continue to run away from our dream scene, back to the conscious state.
Run... running... ran...
xxx
For the whole of last week, I've been waking up at least once every night. For no apparent reason, but always after a dream. Dreams so vague I can't really remember when I woke up in the mid of the night. But, I knew I just had a dream. And I felt so tired that I went back to sleep almost immediately.
Then, I would sleep, almost dreamless, till the dawn breaks.
I can vaguely remember, sometimes, that it's about work. The dream scene was a scene from work.
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 23:02
Dreams - My other reality
Annie and Haonian were waiting for me. We were going rock climbing. So was my mum (!!!). We were heading to Clementi. It must be Climb Adventure then, since Annie just told me a few days ago that she goes climbing at Climb Adventure at Clementi.
The next thing, we were heading for dinner. There's a chalet somewhere. My aunts, uncles and cousins were all there. It must be the chalet that my mum was telling me about a couple of days ago - the one my aunt rented for the national day weekend and invited us to. It was some celebration. I supposed it was one of my cousin's birthday. My mum told me that too.
Suddenly, I found myself at home. On the phone with Kay. She sounded upset and disappointed. She just got rejected in one of her job applications. She was very disheartened and in a way, weary. She told me she's tired of it, of things not going her way and of waiting for the right job to come by. I was just listening.
Then, she said she had thought about it for the past 2 weeks. Apparently, she was thinking about us. And she told me she had a decision.
Somehow, I just got this feeling that she has decided that we should be together, again.
Strangely, my reaction was one of fear mixed with a desire to accept that decision. I wanted her back; I wanted us to be together. And yet, I knew quite surely that was not a good idea.
I resulted in trying to delay her telling me her decision. I told her that she didn't have to decide anything so soon. I told her I was busy and had to go. I told her to not think too much and take her time. Then, I hung up the phone. And woke up.
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 22:50
August 01, 2007
~ Randomly...
Truth is, my heart still skips a beat whenever that familiar tune comes through from the radio. Especially at night, or on a Class95 softrock weekend.
I hold my breath for that few seconds. Then, I try to distract myself.
Oh, why do you look so sad? Tears are in your eyes...xxx
If we were not who we are, friends of more than half our lives, I would have gave up waiting for you long ago. Instead, when you told me "I think you don't need to wait for me", it suddenly felt a little heartwarming. Because you told me not to wait for you.
It also felt secure. When you gave out that unavoidable chuckle when I said, "I don't think you will finish work early anyway."
We could never fall in love with each other. Because this is, actually, way better than any love relationship. Way more reliable, way more assuring.
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 23:34